I can't stop thinking about teachers.
Today, I am mad at the teachers on my staff. In the past two days I have seen and heard about the most absurd and unprofessional behavior that I can imagine (stealing other teacher's things, chatting openly about how terrible our summer program will be in front of parents, etc) coming from adults. And it makes me angry. It makes me feel like they are in my school, wasting their time, wasting my time, wasting the parents' time, and wasting the children's time.
However...
There was a national disaster yesterday and it directly affected two elementary schools. The tornado in Moore, Oklahoma flattened two schools full of students and at least one daycare center (but probably more) full of babies and toddlers. And it was the teachers who saved the children's lives. The teachers put their own bodies between the tornado and the children.
The same thing happened in Newtown, Connecticut. When children were in danger in school, the teachers put their lives at risk to try to save their students. Some were successful, and some were not.
Those teachers are considered heroes. They are heroes. But I can guarantee you that not once, not for one single second, during those life-threatening crises did any of those teachers think that they were acting heroically. They were simply acting based on the reflex of being a committed and caring teacher.
If we call them heroes during a disaster, we have to call them heroes every day. They are ready to protect their students from harm, at all costs, every day.
Even when that one kid won't sit still. Even when that other one won't be quiet. Even when that one rolls her eyes.
My teachers are no different.
Seeing images and hearing stories of teachers' acts of heroism in Oklahoma moves me because it reminds me that I have the immense privilege to work with everyday heroes.
Even when that one teacher complains. Even when that other one won't put away her cell phone. Even when that one rolls her eyes.
So when I go to work tomorrow morning, I won't walk in thinking of the rules they might break or the trouble they might cause. Instead, I'll think of the fact that I am with heroes and that I know that (God forbid) if something dangerous were to ever happen in my school that they would act based on that powerfully simple and awe-inspiring reflex of being committed and caring teachers.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Promoting a Healthy Level of Self-Esteem... Or Why I Don't Let Kids Win at Candyland
A lot of parents are concerned about their child's self-esteem. At some point down the road our society became preoccupied with people feeling good about themselves, and I do believe that awareness of your own power and confidence in your abilities is a very important part of healthy social-emotional (and probably cognitive and physical) development. However, as usual, some people take this idea way too far.
Yes, you want your child to grow up believing that they are special, a la Mr. Rogers. (Great message at the end of this video, btw.) But you don't want your child to grow up believing that they are any more special than the kid who sits next to him in social studies class, even if that kid never gets the answer right, or if that kid smells a little bit different, or doesn't have the "right" kind of shoes. Believing that you are more special than anyone else leads to believing that you are ENTITLED to things that others are not. And if you ask me, (which, by choosing to read my blog, you kind of are) the overly entitled people are the ones who cause a tremendous amount of destruction in our society.
But I'm not here to talk about the ills of our culture. I'm here to talk about children. And I am going to give you one little tip to help you avoid making your children feel entitled.
You have to let them lose.
It is unavoidable. In life, sometimes, they will lose. They might lose more often than they win, and, kind of like Mr. Rogers said, it isn't the winning or losing that matters, but how you handle it. Teaching your child to lose gracefully, and without allowing it take a huge hit to their self-worth, will help them build healthy self-esteem based on their own skills, talent, and values, and not how they compare to someone else.
Let me break it down like this: Remember that kid you used to know who cried or wanted to quit the game every time he wasn't going to win? Did you like to play with that kid? No, you did not, because it wasn't fun. That kid needed external feedback, in the form of praise or coming out on top in a competition, to feel valuable. That kid is only fun to play with when they're happy, which often meant that you were giving in or losing. And when that kid grows up, they are in danger of being an adult who requires some kind of dominance over other people to feel valuable. I know it sounds dramatic, but it doesn't have to be. We can provide our children with an internal source of pride and a positive attitude toward losing from a very young age, without damaging their growing sense of self-worth.
Before I begin with the detailed instructions on how to beat the pants off of your kid in Candyland, let me remind you that children are born completely self-focused. They started life with the basic understanding that they are the only person in existence and everything and everyone around them literally revolves around them in order to serve them. Provided that they are growing up in a healthy and loving environment, they don't stop believing that until they are well into preschool age. So don't worry about building the self-worth, just worry about shaping it in the right way.
Also, before I really begin, I also want to remind you that there are different types of games that children play. Some games help children develop their emerging skills, like Memory, but Candyland is a game of pure chance. I will describe to you how you can play both Candyland and Memory with young children to help them develop a strong sense of self-worth, pride, humility, and community.
First, Candyland:
(As I said, this is a game of chance. For those of you unfamiliar, or who don't remember, you move along a track on the board based on cards that are randomly selected from a pile. If you draw a red card, you move to the next red space. There are pitfalls and rewards along the way. You might draw the Queen Frostine card and get to move all the way to the top of the board near the finish line. Or you might draw the dreaded Plumpy card and have to move all the way back to the bottom of the board, near the starting line. There is absolutely no skill, other than color recognition, required for this game. This is the optimal game to play to teach your kids how to lose. )
Step 1: Play the game, as usual. Make no attempt to trick your child or hide your good card or their bad card.
Step 2: When you receive a good card, emphasize, "Oh wow! I feel so lucky, I get to cross the Gumdrop Pass!"
Step 3: When you receive a bad card, don't pretend to be sad or angry. Even if you are pretending (because let's face it, you don't really care about or like this game), you are still showing your child that this is an appropriate way to react to a game... which it's not. Simply say, "Aw man, I guess I'll have to move back." Mild disappointment is an appropriate reaction.
Step 4: When your child receives a good card, again emphasize, "Oh wow! You're so lucky, you get to move all the way to Gramma Nut's house." Enjoy and share in your child's excitement, and do not pretend to be disappointed. You do not want them to think that it is ok to be irritated that someone else is achieving.
Step 5: When your child receives a bad card, simply say, "Oh no! All the way back to the Peppermint Forest! That's ok! You'll have another chance to move forward soon!" Then take your own turn.
Step 6: If YOU win, say something like, "It makes me feel happy to win, but I sure did have a fun time playing with you! I love it when you play games with me. Thank you so much for playing with me." Because, as always, the emphasis should not be on winning or losing the game, but the time that you spent engaging in an activity together. Your love, respect, and quality time spent together will make your child feel more valuable than winning a stupid game like Candyland ever will.
ALTERNATIVELY, if your child wins, say something like, "You won! You must feel so happy. I'm happy for you. I sure did have a fun time playing with you! Thanks for playing with me, I love to play games with you." Same message.
Now, playing a game with required skill, like Memory, is a little bit trickier.
(Again, for those of you non-game players, Memory is the one where you have a set of cards with pictures on them, two of each picture, and you place them face down in a rectangle and take turns flipping over two cards, trying to make a match. Player with the most matches at the end is the winner.)
Depending on your ability and the child's ability, you might want to throw the game, just a little. It is not a crime, as long as you didn't place bets on the outcome. Chances are, you could easily win this game every time. However, it's probably a good idea if you don't. You will only win some of the times.
Step 1: Allow your mind to wander, so you're only half-engaged in remembering where that second cat was. Engage in an on-going conversation when it's your turn, so that you're also using this game-playing time as genuine quality time. If you're using this strategy, remember that you are also distracting your child from the game, so before you flip your cards back over, give it an extra few seconds so that your child's growing brain has a chance to see and process what you easily saw and processed.
Step 2: Because of this inequality in brain development, support your child's process by saying the name of the pictures out loud as they are turned over, or encourage your child to say them out loud. This will activate the verbal parts of their brain, as well as their visual parts, giving them a leg up in remembering what they've seen and where it was.
Step 3: Sometimes, just plain old pick the wrong card on purpose. You'll know when it's the right time or not.
Step 4: Alternate who wins. This game isn't as tedious as Candyland (can you tell I don't care for Candyland much?), so go all in and play two or three rounds. Make sure that your child wins some and you win some. Sometimes losing by just a little bit is as valuable as winning, because it gives you the opportunity to provide the tension of anticipation and hope that makes games fun.
Step 5: No matter who wins, just like with Candyland, emphasize how much fun it was to play together, and throw in some praise for the process of playing the game. Tell your child, "Wow. I was really impressed with how focused you were when you were choosing your matches." Throw in another chance for them to feel successful by having them count how many matches each of you has. If they aren't great counters, count together and then say, "You are really working so hard on learning how to count!"
Additionally, I would encourage you to make sure that your child has sufficient opportunities to play games with other children (and I don't mean video games, don't even get me started). It is all well and good to have that quality time with your children, but peer interaction and feedback is equally important to developing self-worth, confidence, and appropriate social skills. If you feel that one or more of the children playing the game are being unkind or having a hard time having fun, then you'll want to supervise some of the rounds and use the ever-important power of your words and facial expressions to demonstrate how to react to the natural excitement and disappointment of playing games.
Providing these opportunities to win and lose games and still feel good about themselves at a young age sets the stage for children to rely on their own hard work, earned accomplishments, and natural ability to feel powerful and important. Ultimately, they won't be the kid that no one really likes to play with, making them much more likely to have a healthy sense of self-worth and value.
Yes, you want your child to grow up believing that they are special, a la Mr. Rogers. (Great message at the end of this video, btw.) But you don't want your child to grow up believing that they are any more special than the kid who sits next to him in social studies class, even if that kid never gets the answer right, or if that kid smells a little bit different, or doesn't have the "right" kind of shoes. Believing that you are more special than anyone else leads to believing that you are ENTITLED to things that others are not. And if you ask me, (which, by choosing to read my blog, you kind of are) the overly entitled people are the ones who cause a tremendous amount of destruction in our society.
But I'm not here to talk about the ills of our culture. I'm here to talk about children. And I am going to give you one little tip to help you avoid making your children feel entitled.
You have to let them lose.
It is unavoidable. In life, sometimes, they will lose. They might lose more often than they win, and, kind of like Mr. Rogers said, it isn't the winning or losing that matters, but how you handle it. Teaching your child to lose gracefully, and without allowing it take a huge hit to their self-worth, will help them build healthy self-esteem based on their own skills, talent, and values, and not how they compare to someone else.
Let me break it down like this: Remember that kid you used to know who cried or wanted to quit the game every time he wasn't going to win? Did you like to play with that kid? No, you did not, because it wasn't fun. That kid needed external feedback, in the form of praise or coming out on top in a competition, to feel valuable. That kid is only fun to play with when they're happy, which often meant that you were giving in or losing. And when that kid grows up, they are in danger of being an adult who requires some kind of dominance over other people to feel valuable. I know it sounds dramatic, but it doesn't have to be. We can provide our children with an internal source of pride and a positive attitude toward losing from a very young age, without damaging their growing sense of self-worth.
Before I begin with the detailed instructions on how to beat the pants off of your kid in Candyland, let me remind you that children are born completely self-focused. They started life with the basic understanding that they are the only person in existence and everything and everyone around them literally revolves around them in order to serve them. Provided that they are growing up in a healthy and loving environment, they don't stop believing that until they are well into preschool age. So don't worry about building the self-worth, just worry about shaping it in the right way.
Also, before I really begin, I also want to remind you that there are different types of games that children play. Some games help children develop their emerging skills, like Memory, but Candyland is a game of pure chance. I will describe to you how you can play both Candyland and Memory with young children to help them develop a strong sense of self-worth, pride, humility, and community.
First, Candyland:
(As I said, this is a game of chance. For those of you unfamiliar, or who don't remember, you move along a track on the board based on cards that are randomly selected from a pile. If you draw a red card, you move to the next red space. There are pitfalls and rewards along the way. You might draw the Queen Frostine card and get to move all the way to the top of the board near the finish line. Or you might draw the dreaded Plumpy card and have to move all the way back to the bottom of the board, near the starting line. There is absolutely no skill, other than color recognition, required for this game. This is the optimal game to play to teach your kids how to lose. )
Step 1: Play the game, as usual. Make no attempt to trick your child or hide your good card or their bad card.
Step 2: When you receive a good card, emphasize, "Oh wow! I feel so lucky, I get to cross the Gumdrop Pass!"
Step 3: When you receive a bad card, don't pretend to be sad or angry. Even if you are pretending (because let's face it, you don't really care about or like this game), you are still showing your child that this is an appropriate way to react to a game... which it's not. Simply say, "Aw man, I guess I'll have to move back." Mild disappointment is an appropriate reaction.
Step 4: When your child receives a good card, again emphasize, "Oh wow! You're so lucky, you get to move all the way to Gramma Nut's house." Enjoy and share in your child's excitement, and do not pretend to be disappointed. You do not want them to think that it is ok to be irritated that someone else is achieving.
Step 5: When your child receives a bad card, simply say, "Oh no! All the way back to the Peppermint Forest! That's ok! You'll have another chance to move forward soon!" Then take your own turn.
Step 6: If YOU win, say something like, "It makes me feel happy to win, but I sure did have a fun time playing with you! I love it when you play games with me. Thank you so much for playing with me." Because, as always, the emphasis should not be on winning or losing the game, but the time that you spent engaging in an activity together. Your love, respect, and quality time spent together will make your child feel more valuable than winning a stupid game like Candyland ever will.
ALTERNATIVELY, if your child wins, say something like, "You won! You must feel so happy. I'm happy for you. I sure did have a fun time playing with you! Thanks for playing with me, I love to play games with you." Same message.
Now, playing a game with required skill, like Memory, is a little bit trickier.
(Again, for those of you non-game players, Memory is the one where you have a set of cards with pictures on them, two of each picture, and you place them face down in a rectangle and take turns flipping over two cards, trying to make a match. Player with the most matches at the end is the winner.)
Depending on your ability and the child's ability, you might want to throw the game, just a little. It is not a crime, as long as you didn't place bets on the outcome. Chances are, you could easily win this game every time. However, it's probably a good idea if you don't. You will only win some of the times.
Step 1: Allow your mind to wander, so you're only half-engaged in remembering where that second cat was. Engage in an on-going conversation when it's your turn, so that you're also using this game-playing time as genuine quality time. If you're using this strategy, remember that you are also distracting your child from the game, so before you flip your cards back over, give it an extra few seconds so that your child's growing brain has a chance to see and process what you easily saw and processed.
Step 2: Because of this inequality in brain development, support your child's process by saying the name of the pictures out loud as they are turned over, or encourage your child to say them out loud. This will activate the verbal parts of their brain, as well as their visual parts, giving them a leg up in remembering what they've seen and where it was.
Step 3: Sometimes, just plain old pick the wrong card on purpose. You'll know when it's the right time or not.
Step 4: Alternate who wins. This game isn't as tedious as Candyland (can you tell I don't care for Candyland much?), so go all in and play two or three rounds. Make sure that your child wins some and you win some. Sometimes losing by just a little bit is as valuable as winning, because it gives you the opportunity to provide the tension of anticipation and hope that makes games fun.
Step 5: No matter who wins, just like with Candyland, emphasize how much fun it was to play together, and throw in some praise for the process of playing the game. Tell your child, "Wow. I was really impressed with how focused you were when you were choosing your matches." Throw in another chance for them to feel successful by having them count how many matches each of you has. If they aren't great counters, count together and then say, "You are really working so hard on learning how to count!"
Additionally, I would encourage you to make sure that your child has sufficient opportunities to play games with other children (and I don't mean video games, don't even get me started). It is all well and good to have that quality time with your children, but peer interaction and feedback is equally important to developing self-worth, confidence, and appropriate social skills. If you feel that one or more of the children playing the game are being unkind or having a hard time having fun, then you'll want to supervise some of the rounds and use the ever-important power of your words and facial expressions to demonstrate how to react to the natural excitement and disappointment of playing games.
Providing these opportunities to win and lose games and still feel good about themselves at a young age sets the stage for children to rely on their own hard work, earned accomplishments, and natural ability to feel powerful and important. Ultimately, they won't be the kid that no one really likes to play with, making them much more likely to have a healthy sense of self-worth and value.
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