I had a pretty crazy summer, by the end of which, I had a new job. I am no longer working for the large Head Start supervising teachers. It was too stressful and unpleasant to be responsible for so many adults' behavior and it was seriously detracting from my ability to work effectively to improve the quality of the education at the school. Also detracting: the fact that 99% of the people I worked with didn't agree with a word that I said about how to achieve high quality in a preschool classroom.
Now I am working for an organization that focuses solely on improving quality in early childhood for all children across our region, through public policy work, advocacy, professional development, and direct work with schools and daycares. So far, I love it. It has helped me get a firmer grip on my passion for the field, and as a result, it has made me want to write on my blog. Success!
Unfortunately, the first thing that inspired me to post is not a positive thing. It's a little bit of a rant.
Unfortunately, the first thing that inspired me to post is not a positive thing. It's a little bit of a rant.
In the mornings, while I drink my coffee, I like to read things on the internet. These things range in quality and respectability. The other day, I was reading Jezebel's report of celebrity tweets. And I was really irritated to see that P!nk, who I generally enjoy, tweeted this comment: "Swim class was SUPER fun today. My daughter screamed bloody murder while some other kids NANNY gave me parenting advice. #sweet"
This irked me. I read the comments and was further irked. I am including the link here, should you decide to review the comments for yourself ("You don't have to take my word for it...") http://jezebel.com/didja-ever-think-pink-that-the-other-kids-nanny-might-1358952596
Here is why I was irked.
I don't know P!nk's intention in writing the word "nanny" in all caps, but my assumption is that it was to emphasize that she was receiving parenting advice from someone who was not a parent. Although, let's stop and remember that when nannies aren't with the children they are paid to care for, they are real human beings with real lives of their own, so that nanny may have also been a parent. Let's also stop and remember that nannies CHOOSE to spend their days with young children and some of them have been doing it for many years, so they may actually have advice worth listening to.
In fact, let me pause here because I'm beginning my rant a bit too soon. I actually have really conflicting feelings about P!nk's tweet and the comments. There are three things that this brings up in me, the nanny issue happens to rise up stronger because I have heard and been witness to way too many instances of nanny disrespect, which I'll get into a little later. The other two things are super related and deeply intertwined: the act of giving parenting advice and the phenomenon I am going to call mom-shaming. I'll number my thoughts for clarity's sake, and because I like lists.
1) The nanny issue. I'll pick up where I left off. Nannies deserve just as much respect in the world of children's issues as parents do. End of story. All of you out there who are finding yourselves feeling indignant right now, please, stop and think about it. Nannies are people who make people's lives better by providing love and care to children. Do we disrespect them because we assume they are uneducated? Is it because we are angry that their employers aren't caring for their children themselves? Why? Give me a small handful of good reasons and I'll shut up forever about the topic.
As you may have guessed, I used to be a nanny. I loved it and I was amazing at it. I am in this field because I discovered that I had a knack for understanding the needs of young children and babies. I discovered this working as a nanny. It is my one talent. And I assure you, understanding young children is a talent, but it is also a skill. It is a skill that can and should be crafted. Some parents have a harder time crafting the skill than others. Nannies craft that skill as a part of their profession. Respect that.
Story: Once upon a time, I was sitting in a class in graduate school (in a whole school devoted to early childhood development) and a classmate was telling me that we should meet up in our neighborhood some time to hang out while her children played because the only other people around at the park were nannies and "what would I have to talk about with nannies?" I was too horrified to speak. Too embarrassed to tell her that I was a nanny. Too young, really, to feel brave enough to ask her what the hell she meant by that. Either way, it was the first spoken example I'd experienced of how a parent felt an extreme distance from nannies. I later saw it repeatedly when I worked in a drop-in play space where the nannies only chatted with the nannies and the parents only chatted with the parents.
I could go on, but I'll just leave you with this one suggestion: Next time you see a nanny, hold your judgment. Hold your judgment of the parents of the children and hold your judgment of the person who has devoted their life to giving love to other people's children.
2) Speaking of judgment, let's jump straight into mom-shaming. I am going to specifically address this as a mom issue. Typically, I try to refer to parents in general, trying not to assume that either gender is or should be primary caregiver, and certainly not assuming that all families are made of parents of two different genders. But, in this instance, I am talking about moms because moms are the main victims and culprits. (Because we're still getting used to dads acting as routine caregivers in our society, we tend to glorify any act of involvement that we see from dads. This is also sad, because a dad is not a good dad simply because we saw him changing a diaper. It is insulting to the many ways that dads are good dads when we assume their goodness based on their presence...but that's for another day).
If you read the internets, as I often do, you'll know about slut-shaming. Slut-shaming is when women are made to feel ashamed of themselves because of the way they are expressing their sexuality. Usually it implies a liberal expression of sexuality, but not always!
Another way that women try to make each other feel like crap, is MOM-SHAMING. (I also just did a google search for the phrase mom-shaming and found out that it is already a thing and refers to moms confessing to things that they have done that makes them feel ashamed...I don't like it.)
Parenting is a really hard job. Small children are really challenging. Any parent will tell you this. And yet, there is this expectation that, in order to be considered a good parent, you have to be perfect and your kid has to be perfect. And because this is an unachievable goal, parents often feel incredibly vulnerable and fear that they are failing. Some moms--maybe even many moms--cope with these feelings of insecurity by making other moms feel worse. The basic idea is "if you're doing something different than me, then that suggests that I'm doing something wrong, and that really scares me, so I should say something negative about what you're doing to remind myself that I'm doing things right." I would be willing to bet that many women who do this to each other aren't even aware that they are doing it. But it can be extremely threatening to the mom who is being criticized. Every mom has a story about someone--sometimes a stranger,sometimes a close friend--approaching them and offering them unsolicited advice or comment about their parenting.
Some of the hot-buttons are feeding choices, sleeping choices, and discipline choices. And guess what? There are no "right" ways to parent. There is no standard of quality. Good parenting can vary tremendously, and what really matters is that parents are making their choices intentionally and considering their individual child's best interest. Someone making a different choice does not make your choice any better or worse. So lay off of each other, already.
3) Parenting advice. I know it sounds stupid for me to suggest that there is something wrong with offering parenting advice, considering that I'm building a business doing exactly that. However, here is the difference: people choose to hire me to offer them parenting advice. Unsolicited advice is NEVER an ok thing to "offer." When you approach someone and give them advice, you are telling them, "I think that what you are doing is wrong and I know what's best for you."
Sometimes it may seem like someone is soliciting advice, but beware! They might just be venting or looking for someone to commiserate. Offering advice when another parent is upset still comes off as judgy and holier-than-thou.
If you must give advice, ask for consent. Whether it is a woman in the grocery store whose toddler is laid out in the aisle tantruming over fruit snacks or your best friend from your local chapter of La Leche League, if you have something you want to share with her, you should ASK her first if she wants to hear your opinion. "Oh, my son used to do the same thing, would you like to hear how I handled it? It worked, sometimes." A friendly smile and an understanding head tilt and nod can go a long way.
Unsolicited parenting advice often leads very directly to mom-shaming. Maybe that is how P!nk was feeling when she was in the pool with her wailing toddler. Maybe her reaction wasn't based on an intentional disrespect for nannies, but the fact that she felt insecure about her success as a parent in that stressful moment and that nanny's advice, perhaps unsolicited, made her feel judged and scared. We don't really know exactly what happened. But I don't feel good about any of it.
This irked me. I read the comments and was further irked. I am including the link here, should you decide to review the comments for yourself ("You don't have to take my word for it...") http://jezebel.com/didja-ever-think-pink-that-the-other-kids-nanny-might-1358952596
Here is why I was irked.
I don't know P!nk's intention in writing the word "nanny" in all caps, but my assumption is that it was to emphasize that she was receiving parenting advice from someone who was not a parent. Although, let's stop and remember that when nannies aren't with the children they are paid to care for, they are real human beings with real lives of their own, so that nanny may have also been a parent. Let's also stop and remember that nannies CHOOSE to spend their days with young children and some of them have been doing it for many years, so they may actually have advice worth listening to.
In fact, let me pause here because I'm beginning my rant a bit too soon. I actually have really conflicting feelings about P!nk's tweet and the comments. There are three things that this brings up in me, the nanny issue happens to rise up stronger because I have heard and been witness to way too many instances of nanny disrespect, which I'll get into a little later. The other two things are super related and deeply intertwined: the act of giving parenting advice and the phenomenon I am going to call mom-shaming. I'll number my thoughts for clarity's sake, and because I like lists.
1) The nanny issue. I'll pick up where I left off. Nannies deserve just as much respect in the world of children's issues as parents do. End of story. All of you out there who are finding yourselves feeling indignant right now, please, stop and think about it. Nannies are people who make people's lives better by providing love and care to children. Do we disrespect them because we assume they are uneducated? Is it because we are angry that their employers aren't caring for their children themselves? Why? Give me a small handful of good reasons and I'll shut up forever about the topic.
As you may have guessed, I used to be a nanny. I loved it and I was amazing at it. I am in this field because I discovered that I had a knack for understanding the needs of young children and babies. I discovered this working as a nanny. It is my one talent. And I assure you, understanding young children is a talent, but it is also a skill. It is a skill that can and should be crafted. Some parents have a harder time crafting the skill than others. Nannies craft that skill as a part of their profession. Respect that.
Story: Once upon a time, I was sitting in a class in graduate school (in a whole school devoted to early childhood development) and a classmate was telling me that we should meet up in our neighborhood some time to hang out while her children played because the only other people around at the park were nannies and "what would I have to talk about with nannies?" I was too horrified to speak. Too embarrassed to tell her that I was a nanny. Too young, really, to feel brave enough to ask her what the hell she meant by that. Either way, it was the first spoken example I'd experienced of how a parent felt an extreme distance from nannies. I later saw it repeatedly when I worked in a drop-in play space where the nannies only chatted with the nannies and the parents only chatted with the parents.
I could go on, but I'll just leave you with this one suggestion: Next time you see a nanny, hold your judgment. Hold your judgment of the parents of the children and hold your judgment of the person who has devoted their life to giving love to other people's children.
2) Speaking of judgment, let's jump straight into mom-shaming. I am going to specifically address this as a mom issue. Typically, I try to refer to parents in general, trying not to assume that either gender is or should be primary caregiver, and certainly not assuming that all families are made of parents of two different genders. But, in this instance, I am talking about moms because moms are the main victims and culprits. (Because we're still getting used to dads acting as routine caregivers in our society, we tend to glorify any act of involvement that we see from dads. This is also sad, because a dad is not a good dad simply because we saw him changing a diaper. It is insulting to the many ways that dads are good dads when we assume their goodness based on their presence...but that's for another day).
If you read the internets, as I often do, you'll know about slut-shaming. Slut-shaming is when women are made to feel ashamed of themselves because of the way they are expressing their sexuality. Usually it implies a liberal expression of sexuality, but not always!
Another way that women try to make each other feel like crap, is MOM-SHAMING. (I also just did a google search for the phrase mom-shaming and found out that it is already a thing and refers to moms confessing to things that they have done that makes them feel ashamed...I don't like it.)
Parenting is a really hard job. Small children are really challenging. Any parent will tell you this. And yet, there is this expectation that, in order to be considered a good parent, you have to be perfect and your kid has to be perfect. And because this is an unachievable goal, parents often feel incredibly vulnerable and fear that they are failing. Some moms--maybe even many moms--cope with these feelings of insecurity by making other moms feel worse. The basic idea is "if you're doing something different than me, then that suggests that I'm doing something wrong, and that really scares me, so I should say something negative about what you're doing to remind myself that I'm doing things right." I would be willing to bet that many women who do this to each other aren't even aware that they are doing it. But it can be extremely threatening to the mom who is being criticized. Every mom has a story about someone--sometimes a stranger,sometimes a close friend--approaching them and offering them unsolicited advice or comment about their parenting.
Some of the hot-buttons are feeding choices, sleeping choices, and discipline choices. And guess what? There are no "right" ways to parent. There is no standard of quality. Good parenting can vary tremendously, and what really matters is that parents are making their choices intentionally and considering their individual child's best interest. Someone making a different choice does not make your choice any better or worse. So lay off of each other, already.
3) Parenting advice. I know it sounds stupid for me to suggest that there is something wrong with offering parenting advice, considering that I'm building a business doing exactly that. However, here is the difference: people choose to hire me to offer them parenting advice. Unsolicited advice is NEVER an ok thing to "offer." When you approach someone and give them advice, you are telling them, "I think that what you are doing is wrong and I know what's best for you."
Sometimes it may seem like someone is soliciting advice, but beware! They might just be venting or looking for someone to commiserate. Offering advice when another parent is upset still comes off as judgy and holier-than-thou.
If you must give advice, ask for consent. Whether it is a woman in the grocery store whose toddler is laid out in the aisle tantruming over fruit snacks or your best friend from your local chapter of La Leche League, if you have something you want to share with her, you should ASK her first if she wants to hear your opinion. "Oh, my son used to do the same thing, would you like to hear how I handled it? It worked, sometimes." A friendly smile and an understanding head tilt and nod can go a long way.
Unsolicited parenting advice often leads very directly to mom-shaming. Maybe that is how P!nk was feeling when she was in the pool with her wailing toddler. Maybe her reaction wasn't based on an intentional disrespect for nannies, but the fact that she felt insecure about her success as a parent in that stressful moment and that nanny's advice, perhaps unsolicited, made her feel judged and scared. We don't really know exactly what happened. But I don't feel good about any of it.
So my take-home advice for you (assuming you are giving consent by choosing to read my blog) is this: Moms, dads, nannies, you're all in the boat together. Why throw each other overboard so you can feel superior about your rowing?
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