Dr. Sears describes the 7 Bs of attachment parenting. That is to say, he has created a convenient framework to deliver a message about how to help parents develop a healthy and safe attachment to their babies.
And, true to form, I have opinions about each and every one of the 7 Bs, but many of my opinions are personal, and not necessarily professional. My professional opinion of the 7 Bs is largely informed by 6th and 7th Bs: Beware of the Baby Trainers and Balance. Those last two Bs should make you look back at the first four with a discerning eye. Birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, and bedding close are all nice, but they aren't required in order to have a healthy attachment. But the most important of the Bs, that are absolutely required for being a confident and comfortable parent, are seeking balance and being aware of the baby trainers.
It's safest to beware of anyone who is trying to sell you any one idea about how to care for your baby. To feel successful as a parent, you have to seek balance, and that balance looks different for every parent/child pair. Who are the baby trainers? There are many; they are all around; and they are often very vocal.
1) Anyone trying to sell you something is a baby trainer. If you have to spend money to receive a product or specific advice, then you are dealing with a baby trainer. There is no special food to feed a baby. There is no one way to make babies sleep. There is no one toy to make a baby smart or happy. There is no one way to keep a baby safe. Don't expect anyone to be able to give you ONE answer to your question or solution to your problem.
2) Other parents who try to convince you that they did one thing and their kid is "fine" so you should do it too. It is wonderful when we are able to gain insights and knowledge from other parents. Face to face or facebook, we need our parenting communities to help identify whether this or that or the other are normal, and to share ideas. But beware of the person who tries to push you to try the methods that they tried. You all know this person. They don't just offer their tips. They offer the same advice over and over and over again, often accompanied by the phrase, "And my kid is fine." In these cases, it seems that this person is not completely confident in their decision and they're not confident that their kid is actually fine. They are trying to convince themselves that all is well, and the best way to do that is to get other people to buy into the idea. (The other side of this situation is how to avoid becoming this parent, by knowing when and how to offer candid advice to other parents. We'll talk more about that later.)
3) The "older generations." People who have already raised children are very comfortable trying to convince you that they know more about your baby than you do. Now, there is a lot to be said for the wisdom of experience, and a lot of parents and grandparents have wonderful insights to offer. But, it is time to beware when the insights begin to undermine your choices or your own confidence parenting your baby. Recently, I was in a social situation with two women who were both parents of adults, one of whom was a grandparent. It was night time, we were continuing our socializing after a nice dinner, and my baby was tired. I had an overnight diaper and jammies in my diaper bag, and I was prepared to get him ready for bed before we left to facilitate the rest of the night. I also had knowledge that my child doesn't require a consistent bed "time" every night, and would be able to make up the hours of sleep the next morning. I had discussed the evening with my husband/co-parent and we were in agreement that we didn't want to rush home after the meal. But these two women felt very comfortable repeatedly telling me how tired my baby was. It started to feel like their comments were a suggestion that I should leave because my child needed to be put to bed. If I wasn't confident in my awareness of my baby's needs, my comfort-level in my parenting skills would have been rocked. Beware of the well-intentioned who undermine your own competence.
So those are the baby trainers to beware of, but consider that none of them *think* they're doing anything wrong. The next issue is how YOU can beware of becoming an accidental baby trainer!
1) Listen. When you are talking with other parents, listen to what they are saying. Are they asking for help or are they just venting or sharing? If they're venting or sharing, just respond in the tone that they are offering the information. If they're complaining, you can say, "Ugh. That sounds hard." Or, "Yeah. That sucks." If you can identify with it, say, "I hate it when that happens!" If they're just sharing, all you need to say is, "Huh. Interesting" or ask a question like, "So then what happened?" You do not need to respond with your opinion every time you talk to someone. Sometimes you can just listen.
2) Surround yourself with people that you can trust. Build a community of parents who can offer you caring support, and not just blind advice or judgment. A strong support system can increase your feelings of confidence and comfort and the more confident and comfortable you feel as a parent, the less likely you are to feel urged to offer unsolicited training tips to others.
3) Repeat #1.
If you're seeking a community of parents to help you build your confidence and comfort as a parent, I invite you to come check out our group meetings for new parents, Confident Parenting, where parents can share their experiences and feelings through non-judgmental conversation. Meetings will take place on Saturday mornings in October 2015 in the Mt. Airy neighborhood of Philadelphia. Contact me at jillianbest@gmail.com for more info.
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